work while you sleep

This may sounds crazy...but I often work in my sleep. Ok, this doesn't sound right. More precisely, I often have dreams about doing work (e.g., thinking about research ideas, writing up IRB proposals, etc) and wake up realizing that I was actually asleep. Some good research ideas have been generated in sleep...but I often forget them within a few minutes after I wake up. Then, the impression of having great research ideas remain in my consciousness without the idea itself.

I should stop having these nightmares soon. I finally (this time for real) decided on the research topic for my method class. Yay!!!! I'm so super excited.

More I think about cultural differences in self concept, more I get interested in this topic...I had an interesting conversation with my mentor today. She's doing a project on domestic violence in Asian immigrant communities. One of the measures she'll be using is Singelis' Self-Construal Scale. She thinks that collectivistic orientation may be nurturing when the women are in a good relationship but it may be detrimental when the relationship is bad (e.g., abusive). I agree with that. Some self-concept or behavioral orientation may be functional in one situation but not in others. individualism or collectivistic orientation--neither one of them is good or bad, but one is better than another in certain situation or vice-versa. We, as individuals living in the U.S., feel that individualistic orientation is better and healthier. But is it always so? My mentor mentioned that so-called "commitment phobia" may be a side effect of extreme emphasis on individualism. Hmmm...that's kinda interesting. Inviduals with high individualistic orientation may feel close or commited relationship as a threat to their sense of self... It's all speculation, but I think there is some truth to this statement... Maybe I can conduct a study on this!!! hahaha.

Tax season, here it comes! It turned out that I can't file tax as a non-resident. ugh. tax, tax, tax. why do i have to pay???

Monday morning...again

Spring break is over, and the classes start from today. I had rather unproductive spring break but had a great time. Update on the past weekend...

Friday: had lunch with Chiung-Yi and talked for a while with her. she's interested in cross-cultural psychology, and I enjoy talking with her about psychology stuff--very thought provoking and intellectually stimulating! :) Later that day, went to eat at Tibetan restaurant in E. Village with Alex and Alex's friend, Billy. Billy is a grad student at CUNY, and we were complaining how it is difficult to meet people at grad school. It's actually harder to meet people in grad school compared to undergrad because people are there to study, not to mingle with others. We went to a bar later to discuss more about what we look for in men/women.

Saturday: worked on Assessment project during the day. went to a party at Billy's friend's place with Alex, Billy, and an Egyptian guy (can't remember his name...). Party was fun. There were lots of people. I was keeping my eyes open for cute boys...but most of them were gay. This cute guy Alex and I were talking to also turned out to be gay. sigh... On top of that, two girls tried to hit on me. what a luck.
Since the party was getting boring, Alex, Billy, Billy's friend, and I decided to go to a club that Billy's friend (I should come up with a nickname for him!) recommended strongly. We finally got there around 2am, and it was a hip-hop club. The crowd was kinda young. Anyway, I tried to have fun because we had to pay cover charge. Alex left after a few minutes, but the rest of us danced a lot and had lots of fun. The two guys (Billy and his buddy) claimed that there were a few guys looking at me while we were dancing...yeah, right. Those guys might had been gay and were checking them out, not me ;-) Anyway, later on that night, this half-Chinese half-Caucasian guy came talk to me. He looked kinda cute...we talked and danced for a bit...but there was something about him that I didn't like. I don't know what it was...maybe about how he seemed a bit arrogant and too self-absorbed??? anyway, I hung out with Billy and his friend for the rest of the night and a great time. I finally got home around 5am! Haven't done this for a while!!!

Sunday: couldn't sleep in for some reason. got up around 9am and talked to Ira on the phone. we were talking how isolated we feel in NY/NJ area. It's true...people seem nicer and more friendly in the Midwest. In that sense, I miss Ohio. People don't seem to care about each other in NYC...they are too caught up with themselves. :-( oh, well.

It's raining today...

spring break

There are tons of spring breakers in the city, and they can be quite annoying. I don't understand why but they tend to be in a group of more than 10 people. It almost looks like a school trip! Hating tourists...is this a sign of my assimilation into NYC?

Last night's episodes of "Sex and the City" were kinda sad. Carrie's boyfriend broke up with her with a post-it note! How lame! It broke my heart, too. Gosh, what a jerk! I hope I won't end up with a jerk like him.

I just made a major purchase this morning. bought a laptop from Dell. "click" here goes $700 purchase. Online shopping is so easy and scary. You can buy all these expensive stuff with one click. Anyway, I needed a laptop because my current one is not functioning. What kind of a lame laptop doesn't have a sufficient memory to open a word document? See, I really needed a new laptop. Looking forward to receiving it in mail. For the meantime, I have to come up with a name for the new laptop.

Another major change in my life...I got a haircut! So far, I like it. The hairstylist I had was pregnant and looked like the baby can come out any moment. So I felt kinda bad for asking her to chop off my thick hair...but hey, it's her job, right? She wouldn't be working if she can't cut hair...would she? Anyway, she gave me a good haircut without having to give a birth in the middle of it, and I'm quite content. I haven't had my hair this short for ages and I think I look better with shorter hair.

good news

Haven't updated the blog for a while...I got a letter from the psych department stating that I got a provisional admission into the Ph.D. program. When I pass the comprehensive exam this summer, I will be officially admitted into the Ph.D. program. Interestingly, I wasn't as excited as I thought I would be when I got the admission letter. I wonder why... Anyway, it's good to know that I have one less thing to worry about. Now I have to work on getting A's for all the classes...ugh.

Ok, quick update on the past few days...

Friday--went to Guggenheim Museum in the evening. They have "pay as you wish" admission on Friday evenings, and that's why I went there on Friday. Even though the museum was under construction, I still enjoyed it. The architecture was pretty neat.

Saturday--walked around Times Square; very touristy. stopped by at Gap to try some clothes on. Then, went to Jackson Heights to get my eye brow done. As usual, it was quite painful!!! Anyway, they had 50% off on facial, so I decided to get one for the first time (only for $20)! My skin felt very soft afterwards. The only drawback was that it wasn't as relaxing; the chair was very uncomfortable and the place was too noisy and crowded. Actually, someone bumped into my head really hard when I was gettin my facial done--that's how crowded it was in the salon.

Sunday--cloudy and yucky day, so I went to Ikea to cheer myself up. There's a free shuttle between Port Authority and Ikea--quite useful. Bought some candles and other stuff for our apartment. Quite content!

Monday--had babysitting for 5 hours!!! so tired because kids suck out energy from me. other than that, quite uneventful. finally did laundry. yay for me.

gotta get ready for the meeting with my mentor...

dance dance

Yesterday was quite busy. spent all morning at NYU library, collecting more psych articles, then went babysitting right after that. When I got back to the lab after babysitting, I got an e-mail from my mentor asking to call her office. "did I do something wrong??? or she may want me to do something at the last minute..." but I called her anyway.
It turned out that she had tickets for Paul Taylor Dance Company's performance for that night but her friend who was gonna go with her couldn't make it. So, she asked me if I'm interested in going with her. As a boring grad student as I am, I had no plan. So, I told her "yes!!!"
Anyway, we went to eat at Carnegie Deli before the performance. We shared Reuben sandwich--omg, it was sooooo huge. We couldn't finish the whole thing even though we split it! It was sooooooo good, too. The sandwich was just meat, cheese, and bread, but it tasted really good. The performance was great, also. They showed three pieces, and the third one was very pretty and amazing.

Esplanade "One of the truly great dance works of this or any other century. The daring and dangerous hurtling spills of the final movement, which never fail to rouse an audience to cheers, constitute only one aspect of the work's excitement... This is choreographic artistry at an inspirational height." -- Alan M. Kriegsman, The Washington Post

I had so much fun last night, and it made me realize how much I'm missing out by not getting out more often. I really want to start doing more stuff in the city. I also enjoyed my mentor's company last night. I'm so glad she's my mentor!

Thinking about going to Guggenheim Museum tonight. they have "pay as you wish" admision on Fridays between 6-8pm. Looking forward to it!

underlying stress...wow

Apparently, the stress one is accumulating can hide underneath all the everyday craziness--you walk around thinking you are functioning OK. One day, the stress will pop its head to the surface and cause a big explosion. This is exactly how I felt this afternoon in my mentor's office.

We were having our weekly meeting earlier today...talked a bit about how upseting the Aseessment exam was (she teaches the class)...then, I updated her on my research project. She thought that my new idea for the project is boring compared to the one I was talking about last week. Well...I've been discussing my research project with both my mentor and my method professor, and they seem to have very different ideas about how the project should be carried out (method-wise). So, everytime I talked to either one of them, I get influenced by them and end up changing my idea. When I talk to my mentor, I decide on one idea (more qualitative approach)...then talk to my method prof, I end up changing my idea because he doesn't agree with the idea I came up with as a result of the discussion with my mentor...then, when i go to my mentor, she thinks my new idea is boring. well, you get the idea. I've been being pulled between these two professors who have very different ideas about research methodology. At the end of this discussion, I noticed tears coming out and going down on my cheeks. It was as if accumulated stress over everything, including research project, came out as tears.

I've been feeling quite stressed about the research project. I felt that I couldn't decide and commit on one research question. At the same time, I wanted to come up with a very good research project that can be published later on. On top of that, this semester has been super stressful...like worrying about grades, fellowship status, Ph.D. application, etc. At this time, everything is up in the air...I don't know for sure if I can stay in NY next year. So much stress...but I was trying not to look at it. Then, POP! It came up to the surface.

I felt better after crying and talking with my mentor. I'm soooooooo glad that she's supportive. She shared her experience in grad school...apparently, many grad students go through this stage. Feeling unsure about their potential as a grad student and doubting their ability. I realize that I've been doubting my ability and potential. I'm still not sure if I'm talented enough to be successful in grad school...but as long as the department lets me stay in the program, I will keep trying. I'm so grateful to have a supportive mentor. :-)

assessment exam...i hate you

I had Assessment midterm last night and I think I failed it. Actually, I KNOW I failed. It had 60 multiple-choice questions (60 points) and one essay question (40 points), and I screwed up on the essay part. I was supposed to write about a test that replaces GRE for clinical psy Ph.D. application and how the test should be validated and so on. I just couldn't come up with any good idea and started to freak out like crazy...then the time passed...and had to turn in the test without finishing the essay. ugh... This really sucks. I know this exam is only 30% of the grade, but for someone who needs A from all the classes (me) can't afford to get a bad grade on any portion of the overall grade. I was feeling bit depressed afterward, so I ate an ice cream bar that has 300+ calories. Ahhhhh!!!!! failing exam and getting fat...what an awful combination.

Other than that, I should be happy because spring break pretty much starts after cog psyc class tonight. Tomorrow's methods class is canceled. No plan for spring break, as of now. Thinking about visiting Boston but I think it will be too cold! I will probably stay here to finish up some work. What a fun way to spend spring break...I know many people are partying like crazy in Florida and Cancun.

roommate bonding

Today was filled with bonding with people. I had lunch with ChiungYi and Chloe--it was super fun. We were talking and laughing non-stop. I usually eat lunch alone or not eat at all, so it was a nice change. We're thinking about making Friday lunch a weekly thing. I think it's a great idea because I usually get isolated in the lab.

After the review session for the midterm, I came home to eat and relax. Then, I ended up hanging out with roomies. We were talking about random stupid stuff and we laughed soooooo hard. It made me so happy :) Going out is fun but simply hanging out at home with roomies is fun, too. We decided to go get brunch on Sunday and also planned on our trip to the Niagara falls. It will most likely to happen on Memorial Day weekend. Can't wait!!!

I'm sooooo tired today. It's about time for me to collapse.

one-hour exam? yeah, right.

Cog psy midterm was supposed to be 1-hour long. At least, that's what we were told. But nobody except for 2 people finished within one hour. Most of us took full two hours to finish the exam. I was soooooo tired afterwards. I was writing non-stop for two hours! I wonder why it took us this long to finish the exam. People who took this course in previous years told me that most people finished within an hour. Maybe people who are taking cog psy this year are all OCD and have to write everything we learned in class, rather than simply answering questions.

When I finally got home from school last night at 11pm, I just collapsed on bed. I was super ultra tired. It felt so good to sleep. love sleeping...so much!

This week has been a crazy babysitting week (on top of two exams). It's good to make money, but not when I have to study a lot.

so cold!

It's March already but the temperature says it's still February. It's 25-degrees right now. I thought my whole body was going to freeze when I was walking to school this morning. Frozen Shihoko....mmm, that's kinda funny.

I should be studying for cog psy midterm, so I'm gonna do a quick update. Yesterday was rather uneventful. I choked on cookies during assessment class but that was about it. But when I came home from school last night, Ira called. I talk to him every 2 weeks or so on the phone but his call kinda caught me off guard because he normally calls on weekends. Anyway, we had a good talk, and it reminded me that he knows me very well. He is someone I know since my first year in undergrad, which means I've known him for almost 7 years! I don't know how he felt about the phone conversation, but I got this very warm feelings. I could tell that we trully care about each other--well, this could be my illusion, but this is how I felt last night.

Anyway, I really should get back to studying for the midterm. I hope I will do well tonight.

snow again?

It was about 60 degrees yesterday and now it's snowing. What is wrong with NYC weather???

Had History and Systems midterm last night, and I think I did horrible... I was so nervous for some unknown reason and I forgot all the information I memorized as soon the exam started. It was very strange. Descartes? Aristotle? Plato? huh? who the hell are they??? I almost thought I had amnesia. Speaking of amnesia, I have cog psy midterm tomorrow night. ugh. I have to start studying...soon.

I couldn't concentrate well over the weekend to study for the midterms, so I woke up at 4am yesterday morning to study. I thought I would be so tired by the time I got home from school last night but I couldn't sleep till 3am. ugh. I probably had too much coffee during the day. It really sucked.

Anyway, Friday night was fun. I went to a bar with Alex for his friend's birthday celebration. I met a couple of photography-related people there. It was kinda refreshing to be out on Friday night. I usually collapse on bed on Friday nights and I was bit surprised to know that I had energy to go out. On the way back from the bar, Alex and I saw TV crews recording "Law and Order." We didn't get to go close to look but it was kinda cool. This is definitely one of the cool things about living in NYC. :) I need to get out more to experience the city fully!!!

Saturday wasn't fun, though. had to go to a study session (on Saturday!) for cog psy exam. bleh~. then had a very stressful phone conversation at night. it really, really sucked. I really shouldn't have allowed myself to engage in that negativelly-charged conversation...ugh. I was so frustrated, angry, sad, and (all negative emotion words to follow) afterwards. I don't want to deal with this crap any more!!!

Ok, I admit that I freak out and get too cuaght up with small, insignificant stuff (probably the above phone conversation is one of them). I whine a lot (as obvious in this blog) and make everything into a drama. A lot of people had to endure hearing me whine as a result. I hate this about myself and I've been trying to fix it. But at times, it almost seems impossible to control my emotions. I often feel that I have nobody to rely on, and this thought freaks me out even more. It doesn't mean that I want to depend on others completely, and I would hate to do that anyway. Afterall, I need to deal with everything on my own. But I need someone to remind me that I have strength and ability to deal with all the problems I encounter, whether they are small or big. Luckily, I have a few friends who are always there for me whenever I'm going through difficulties. I hope they feel the same way about me, too. :-)

Wow, this entry is very emotional!!! I didn't want to make my blog too personal...but hey, nobody reads this anyway. Gotta get back to studying!!!

forgot to put away Hina dolls

I can't believe that I forgot to put away Hina dolls last night!!! I'm not gonna be able to get married...(not that I want to right now, but eventually, yes) Oh, well. I forgot to put them away on time last year, too. I will age alone and become a bitter old woman. hahaha!!! And I was too tired last night to put them away anyway.

There was a talk last night that the psych department is hosting; it's called "culture and psychology series", and the department invited a few speakers to talk on Thursday nights. I had Research Methods class at the same time as the talk, but the prof let us go to the talk. The talk turned out to be very boring! The speaker seemed to have a very narrow perspective, and when people in the audience asked him questions, he wasn't really answering the questions. He was basically defending his perspective. Quite boring.

One of the shows that I watch every week is "Apprentice." I introduced my roommate to the show last night, and she seemed to like it a lot. I can't believe how people can be so viscious to each other, especially in the boardroom. One of the candidates pointed out something interesting. He said something like, everyone comes here thinking they are better than everyone else so of course that won't be good for working as a team, or something. That's true. Everyone thinks they are better than everyone else, that's why they are on the show. As a consequence, nobody wants to be told what to do or corporate with one another. They are there to kill each other. I don't want to be in that kind of environment ever in my life!!!!

Oh, yeah, I talked to Ira a few days ago and found out that he passed the law exam. Now, he's officially a licensed pharmacist. He sure has accomplished a lot, and I trully respect him for that. I know he doesn't read this blog...but I just want to say Congrats!!!

by the way, I created a blog in Japanese site...I'm getting addited to this whole blog business...

I'm such a dork

Had meetings with profs this afternoon. I think I'm finally set with the project for the methods class! I'm going to show video clips of children's (bad) behavior to mothers and have them rate the severity and the causes of the behavior. Research ideas get me so excited. I'm trully a psychology nerd! As long as research is going well, I can be a happy person.

Speaking of research, I finally said goodbye to the Ohio Scale project. After all, the dataset didn't have enough information to come up with plausible explanations to the results we got. It was kinda sad to abandon the project because the project has been with me ever since I started graduate school. But it's also important to let go of something that is not quite working and move on to new projects. There are so many other exciting things out there, and I shouldn't waste any more of my time on this deadend project. Anyway, goodbye Ohio Scale project!!! :-(

Now I have to find video/movie clips of Asian kids behaving badly for the methods class project. Hmmm...where should I go to find them??

I'm too excited about research to think of anything else to write about now. :)