underlying stress...wow

Apparently, the stress one is accumulating can hide underneath all the everyday craziness--you walk around thinking you are functioning OK. One day, the stress will pop its head to the surface and cause a big explosion. This is exactly how I felt this afternoon in my mentor's office.

We were having our weekly meeting earlier today...talked a bit about how upseting the Aseessment exam was (she teaches the class)...then, I updated her on my research project. She thought that my new idea for the project is boring compared to the one I was talking about last week. Well...I've been discussing my research project with both my mentor and my method professor, and they seem to have very different ideas about how the project should be carried out (method-wise). So, everytime I talked to either one of them, I get influenced by them and end up changing my idea. When I talk to my mentor, I decide on one idea (more qualitative approach)...then talk to my method prof, I end up changing my idea because he doesn't agree with the idea I came up with as a result of the discussion with my mentor...then, when i go to my mentor, she thinks my new idea is boring. well, you get the idea. I've been being pulled between these two professors who have very different ideas about research methodology. At the end of this discussion, I noticed tears coming out and going down on my cheeks. It was as if accumulated stress over everything, including research project, came out as tears.

I've been feeling quite stressed about the research project. I felt that I couldn't decide and commit on one research question. At the same time, I wanted to come up with a very good research project that can be published later on. On top of that, this semester has been super stressful...like worrying about grades, fellowship status, Ph.D. application, etc. At this time, everything is up in the air...I don't know for sure if I can stay in NY next year. So much stress...but I was trying not to look at it. Then, POP! It came up to the surface.

I felt better after crying and talking with my mentor. I'm soooooooo glad that she's supportive. She shared her experience in grad school...apparently, many grad students go through this stage. Feeling unsure about their potential as a grad student and doubting their ability. I realize that I've been doubting my ability and potential. I'm still not sure if I'm talented enough to be successful in grad school...but as long as the department lets me stay in the program, I will keep trying. I'm so grateful to have a supportive mentor. :-)